wagner in dungarees

I know a boy who is so very broken that he feels as though he cannot let anyone in. No one can try to fix him. No one can get close enough to put their hand over his and try to make him feel a little less alone, a little less of a stranger. I worry that one day that hand that I am constantly trying to reach for, whose palms display such similar lines, will instead reach for the barrel of a gun.

I'm Not Like Everybody Else

It's twenty minutes shy of three a.m. on a Saturday night. Instead of spending the evening at the bar with friends, I've spent my evening in front of a laptop screen in my sagging, stained tan chair. My neighbors have returned home with droves of friends, at least what sounds like droves, undoubtedly coked up and extremely drunk. Twenty minutes before I was going to attempt to sleep. And now there is bass. Loud, thumping, bumping bass. And now there are people saying things like "hella" and "yeah, bitch." We have reverted to a generation of celebritard-wannabes and faux everything, dressed in cheap fabrics closer to petroleum than something that grows, brains as empty as their full noses of cocaine. In this apartment complex, that's pretty damn full.

This is the life. Awesome.

While I could be completely negative and complain about my evening, I did meet someone today. I went out at five, instead of ten. I had too much coffee and not enough beer, and the young lady I was with was equally broke. We spent a solid two hours talking and enjoying each other's thoughts and ideas, which was incredibly refreshing. There was no cattiness, no competition. I didn't hear her make one disparaging comment the entire time. While I have a tendency to think that all women have the tendency to be catty and shallow, she did not display any of these characteristics. I think I may have found someone that could be - gasp! - a positive influence on me. I recognize that not all women are like this, and I like to think that most are not. However, as I fantasize about having these strong spirited sisters beside me in a fight against the apathy that has consumed our generation, I realize a few things.

I don't use words like "sisters" to describe other women. I don't really want that. I want someone who will stand (or sit) beside me and talk about ideas, and sometimes act on them. We don't have to constantly fight for (or with) each other. I just want a companion that does not reduce me to the catty bitch that I fully recognize I am capable of being. I want someone that is not like the majority of the women that I have spent the last seven years with. Keyword: majority.

If this does not blossom into a lengthy, deep friendship, that is fine. The experience helped provide me with perspective. It just felt good to spend some time with someone that reminded me of and briefly enabled me to be the person that I want to be, not that person that I have been in the past.